Head first...

Please forgive this word vomit...I need to get these things out of my head and off my heart. I’m not even sure I’ll hit the publish button on this…

In the last year, or so, I've dipped my toes back into the dating world. Let me just tell you - if you aren't in this "world" - it is a whole new ballgame than it was almost ten years ago (the last time I was single) Granted, I'm not the same girl I was ten years ago - and, I have a child to consider – but, UGH.

I was never really "good" at dating...I didn't really enjoy it. I felt like it always opened up too much anxiety about rejection. As I've stated before, I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I've had periods of time that I lost a significant amount of weight but, I'd gain it right back. Rinse and repeat several times over since high school - and, probably before. I was always the fat friend...never comfortable in my skin. Fast forward to the last year or so, I was feeling a little more comfortable with who I am - so I subjected myself to some dates and meeting new friends. Well, let me tell you at 38 rejections are no easier and dating can really jerk with your head and your emotions. Putting yourself out there to tell your story and your likes/dislikes is tiresome. It also brings back up a LOT of feelings of inadequacy. I realize this is *my* issue, not someone else and something I need to work on. I know there can be a million reasons why someone may not connect to another person.

In the electronic communication world we live in, it makes it both easier to connected to people and to hide from them. I feel like it opens up the opportunity to say things to someone where before you’d either a.) before not have the avenue to say it and/or b.) the security of hiding behind your keyboard/screen. I love to text – it’s easy, you can send/see messages when you have a chance – easy way to connect throughout the day. So few people actually talk on the phone anymore and so much gets lost through electronic communications.

I’ve had some really interesting dates and communications with some guys. I was dating someone and thought we were on our way to being serious – talks of exclusivity and things had occurred. Then – he just disappeared. No reason or explanation – just gone. Granted, we were only together for a few weeks – but, how do you not have enough respect for someone to at least just say you aren’t interested anymore?

Dating sites are interesting and some of the messages received are – umm, let’s say interesting. I had a couple of dates that the guy had told me some really great things in advance of the dates – I was really excited about them both. Then, I ended up getting the run around and I’d rather be friends after meeting. Now, I have full-length pictures of myself on these sites and do not hide behind strategically placed camera shots. The most recent exchange of messages has really sort of gotten under my skin. I had been talking to this person for a couple of weeks; we agreed to meet on a Saturday my kid wasn’t home – just the normal, dinner/drinks kind of date. He cancelled on me – twice. I understand things happen, but dang. He had sent me some messages that he seemed to be really moody in. Then, when I just told him I was no longer interested – he seemed to be too indecisive. Plus, he worked a wonky schedule and lived about an hour away. He then became really ugly via text messages – but, instead of finding a character flaw of mine – he resorted straight to my body. He called me several variations of fat. Now, I am not in denial that I don’t still have a lot of weight to loose – but, it’s not as if I’m advertising that I am some stick-thin girl. The messages made me cry. Combine that with the rejections – those that I assume are because of my body – I am ready to crawl into my bed and just give up. Everything just seems to be hitting on some issues that I have with myself – I am trying to remember all the things I worked through in therapy. But, it isn’t really helping me feel any better at the moment. The little bit of confidence I had has been rocked and shattered – again. I feel like I have a lot to offer someone in a relationship – lots more than just this body I exist in.

Not sure where I’m going with all of these feelings. Not sure where and how I want to handle dating but for now, much like few other things, I think I may take a break from it all…

Thanks for listening to the ramblings.