I've been struggling...

It's obvious that I've been quiet since it's been almost a month since I've written anything. I've started a million posts in my head but the thought of opening this page and starting to write both overwhelmed and terrified me. I have been struggling in all areas of my life lately. My anxiety has been ramped up a lot -- to the point that it has woken me up a few times or kept me from falling asleep. In addition to the anxiety, I think I'm struggling with my depression - I'm not sure if it is just a seasonal sort of thing, or what. The days the weather is better and the sun is shining makes me think it may just be SAD. When researching online (I know, I know...) WebMD gave these symptoms as a result of SAD: 

• Feel sad, grumpy, moody, or anxious.
• Lose interest in your usual activities.
• Eat more and crave carbohydrates, such as bread and pasta.
• Gain weight.
• Sleep more but still feel tired.
• Have trouble concentrating.

I can check all of these off the list. Including the weight gain. I think I mentioned in my last post that I had gained eight pounds around Christmas. I have managed to lose seven of the eight pounds so far. I'm really not sure how since I've been slipping into some old(er) eating habits. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to break 30+ years of poor eating habits. I know it is a day-by-day fight - sometimes it will be even minute by minute. Some days are easier than others, but then some days it seems to be a constant struggle with cravings and trying to comfort myself with food. 

I haven't consistently tracked my foods and nor have I been diligent with going to the gym. I was talking to someone this morning and confessed that I was struggling. For almost a year, I didn't miss a workout. I couldn't come up with an excuse good enough to not be in the gym, giving it my all. Since right around Christmas, I started slacking. I started making excuses - telling myself I didn't feel well and giving myself an out for not going. In all reality, most of the time - I just didn't want to go. What I do not understand is why? I always enjoy my workouts and I have yet to not feel better afterwards. Some days I'm sore from the workouts, but its still a good feeling. 

In the past, I've gotten to about this mark in my weight loss and I fizzle out. I start sliding backwards with the promise of "tomorrow I'll do better". I don't want to be there again. I want to be healthy. I want to continue to lose weight and get myself out of the "obese" category. As vain as it may sound, I want to feel good about myself when I look in the mirror. I want to be able to walk into any store and be able to buy things off the rack. Most of all, I want to be strong and healthy -- mentally AND physically. 

I didn't go to my water classes this morning - I had talked myself out of them. But, after confessing my struggles, I was encouraged to go. So, I was going to go and walk on the treadmill. After dressing and while putting on my shoes, I had a panic/anxiety attack about going to the gym. The thought of going to walk on the treadmill was almost too much for me. But, I fought through it. I have zero excuses not to go -- I grabbed my headphones and phone and decided I would go and walk for an entire episode of Ray Donovan which is almost an hour. I told myself I wasn't allowed to watch another episode unless I went to work out.  And, I did it! I was surrounded by people a lot more active, fit, and trim than I am. I was the only person walking, but I walked a 5k in 60 minutes. I posted this photo on Instagram/Twitter and love the support of my online (and real-life) friends. 

I have to get this under control so I'm going to revisit some of those same goals I wrote in the last post for the next seven days. I'm going to try this in bite-sized pieces: 

1. Log my food and exercise daily 
2. Cardio for 60 minutes, at least six of the next seven days
3. Strength training two days per week
4. Lose two pounds 
5. Continue to find ways to be intentional (2016 word) with my health: mental and physical

And, because sometimes I need the reminder -- this is what I looked like a year ago versus now: 

Any suggestion on keeping on track? What do you do for your emotional and physical health?