Been a while...

I never meant for it to be this long between posts, but if it proves my thoughts to be true - I just sort of want to be an ostrich with its head in the sand about this whole weight loss/healthy living journey -- I've not lost any weight in a couple of months. As a matter of fact, I think I've gained about five. I have still been working out most days, but my eating has been out of control. I can't quite figure out why the binges and terrible choices. A lot of it can be attributed to eating out, stress, not being prepared...I could go on and on with the excuses, but that's all they are - EXCUSES. I go to bed every night lately with all intentions of refocusing the next day - rinse and repeat - it has been going on for a couple of weeks now. 

I hope by writing out my thoughts with this struggle and I can refocus and make a plan to regain control of my eating and shift back to a more healthy approach. 

So, here's my plan: 

• Log every bite - "good" or "bad" into MyFitnessPal app 
• Exercise six days a week 
• Stock my fridge/pantry with healthy choices
• Limit eating "junk" food to one meal per week 
• Limit alcohol consumption 
• Add weight training (would really love to add a trainer to help w/this)
• Meal plan
• Meal prep 
• Eat breakfast 
• Maintain my calorie goal (per MFP app) daily 

Most of these have been what has worked for me over the last year plus and helped me to lose the weight so far. 

In the meantime, I need to remember how far I've come. I still have a long way to go...but, I'll get there -- day by day. If you have any suggestions, feel free to leave me a comment. 

My Ramblings and fears...

Please forgive me for the ramblings that are going to follow -- I feel like I just need to do a word dump.

In my lifetime, I've felt defeated more times than I could ever count...but until something changes inside you - whether it be a health scare or you just get tired of being tired, you continue in this vicious cycle of hating your body but not doing anything to change it. I was depressed and tired - I'd go shopping and not be able to wear anything on the racks - even at Lane Bryant most of the time, leave and go eat garbage foods in mass amounts. I would watch shows like the Biggest Loser, Extreme Weightloss and the like and the contestants always have some traumatic issue that happened in their past and I'd sit on the couch and wonder why I was so overweight. Nothing happened that traumatic happened in my childhood - I was a taken care of and not abused or any of the things that seem to frequently come up on these shows. However, I was not taught proper nutrition, the importance of exercise, or what healthy living really means. I'm not sure about your education, but mine - even health classes - did not teach me what healthy living really looked like. If I were really honest, I STILL struggle with what true healthy living looks like. I tend to swing in extremes - I tend to obsess in one way or another. I look at my side-by-side progress pictures and I can see progress. Progress that I am truly proud of.

On the flip side, I also struggle to see any changes because I get caught up in all of my flaws. I still see the very large number of pounds I need to go to get to my goal weight. Most days, I wonder if I don't obsess with going to the gym and logging every single bite of food I put in my body, I will gain all 95 pounds back and if you've ever lost big amounts of weight, you know it won't stop there - you gain back even more. I'm terrified of going back there. 

I am terrified I'm teaching Monster poor eating choices. Monster has packed on some pounds and I'm scared that he's going to develop my bad habits. How do I let him be a kid and eat candy and junk food but also keep him healthy? I am teaching him to read nutrition labels and serving sizes. He sees me going to the gym or working out daily. He actually comes to one/two classes a week with me. But am I doing enough? Can I counter-balance the junk he gets at his grandmother's where I have no control over what he does or eats? When we talk about food or going to the gym - he'll comment about me losing weight, but I try to emphasize that we are doing X,Y,Z to be healthy and losing weight is just a bonus. I try to keep healthy as the motivator for everything we do. I also try not to talk negatively about myself in front of him. I try to find fun things for us to do that aren't structured workouts. I want us both to be active and healthy but, I feel like there is a real fine line in being obsessive and diligent. I want to err on the side of diligent. All sides of his family (biological and not) have weight and health issues - I want to end that cycle with him. 

All of those fears admitted, I feel like after over a year on this journey to living healthy, I've come a long way. The weight loss has been slow and I am still learning every single day but I don't want to give up. Much like during other life events over the last few years, that little boy makes me want to fight harder, learn more and be a better person. Not just for him - but, for me. For us. 

Easter 2015 (L) | Easter 2016 (R) 

If you have tips on teaching children healthy living, I'm all ears.

Thanks for allowing me to ramble...

Lent is over...

It's been a little while since I've written here...I am sure you all were waiting in anticipation for me to update. //sarcasm font 

Lent is over, as of yesterday, and while it wasn't my only reason for giving up simple carbs, sugar, and alcohol for lent - I haven't lost very much weight -- 4.8 pounds to be exact. So, in looking over the last year, trying to see how much I've lost - I've only lost 50 pounds in a year. While I am so very proud of those numbers and I'm proud of that number, I can't help but feel like I should have lost more in the last year. I can't help but wonder what I'm doing wrong. Especially over the last month with cutting out any garbage food. In the last month, I've only missed two days in working out. I've logged more miles - I've pushed myself harder. I can't help but wonder why it's so slow going. I don't feel comfortable giving my actual numbers yet -- but, here's a little visual (I like to see visuals). 

YTD Loss from MyFitnessPal 

I need to do my measurements to see if maybe I'm just not seeing the numbers on the scale. If you can't tell - I am struggling with the numbers. I try to not let them become overwhelming or hung up on them - but if I want this space to be honest. I.AM.STRUGGLING. It has been an average of only about four pounds per month. Any suggestions on what I can do to up my numbers? Am I just crazy?? 

Lent: Day Three

Well, I've managed to avoid added sugar foods and simple carbs for the last two days. Last night was really difficult though. I had not planned or prepped anything for our dinner and when I picked Monster up he had been sick the night before. He asked for chicken noodle soup (from the can - GAG). We ended up being stuck by a train blocking the tracks near our home and therefore rerouted to get home -- taking about 45 minutes later than normal. In the past, I would have gone through a drive-thru but I couldn't think of anything that I wanted to eat and without added sugar/carbs [basically, I'm giving up all white starches (still eating sweet potatoes, beans and fruits)] So, I fixed Monster his chicken noodle soup and I put chicken breast and a sweet potato in the oven, grabbed two slices of deli ham, and waited for my chicken to be done. In the meantime, I complained on Twitter (as I often do) about the struggle and some friends stepped up with both recipes/meal ideas and encouragement. I managed to wait out for a good, healthy dinner: chicken, sweet potato and steamed broccoli and cauliflower. While it might seem silly to say - I was proud of myself for not giving in. Hoping to build on every good decision over the next 40 days -- maybe longer. 

Lent: Day One

Despite my religious denomination not participating in the practice(s) of Lent, I have decided to once again try to give something up that I feel has a control over my life. Two years ago, I gave up carbonated drinks and haven't looked back. Food would be the obvious answer. However, unlike other addictions, I have to have food to survive. So, I decided to dig a little deeper and see what food/s I am eating that I am using to replace feelings. I came up with both sugar and simple carbs -- basically, junk foods. For the next forty days, I am going to avoid sugar-laden foods and all white foods (eg. flour, tortillas, etc.). I have done the low-carb diet in the past and was really successful. However, I do not want to give up fruit and some vegetables, oatmeal and beans that a true low-carb diet would call for.

Not only do I hope to replace food as a way to comfort or replace feelings, I hope to drop some weight. I'm using this time as a reset button. A little more time for reflection and meaning...

Here's to day one. Are you doing anything during this season? 

Until next time...

I've been struggling...

It's obvious that I've been quiet since it's been almost a month since I've written anything. I've started a million posts in my head but the thought of opening this page and starting to write both overwhelmed and terrified me. I have been struggling in all areas of my life lately. My anxiety has been ramped up a lot -- to the point that it has woken me up a few times or kept me from falling asleep. In addition to the anxiety, I think I'm struggling with my depression - I'm not sure if it is just a seasonal sort of thing, or what. The days the weather is better and the sun is shining makes me think it may just be SAD. When researching online (I know, I know...) WebMD gave these symptoms as a result of SAD: 

• Feel sad, grumpy, moody, or anxious.
• Lose interest in your usual activities.
• Eat more and crave carbohydrates, such as bread and pasta.
• Gain weight.
• Sleep more but still feel tired.
• Have trouble concentrating.

I can check all of these off the list. Including the weight gain. I think I mentioned in my last post that I had gained eight pounds around Christmas. I have managed to lose seven of the eight pounds so far. I'm really not sure how since I've been slipping into some old(er) eating habits. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to break 30+ years of poor eating habits. I know it is a day-by-day fight - sometimes it will be even minute by minute. Some days are easier than others, but then some days it seems to be a constant struggle with cravings and trying to comfort myself with food. 

I haven't consistently tracked my foods and nor have I been diligent with going to the gym. I was talking to someone this morning and confessed that I was struggling. For almost a year, I didn't miss a workout. I couldn't come up with an excuse good enough to not be in the gym, giving it my all. Since right around Christmas, I started slacking. I started making excuses - telling myself I didn't feel well and giving myself an out for not going. In all reality, most of the time - I just didn't want to go. What I do not understand is why? I always enjoy my workouts and I have yet to not feel better afterwards. Some days I'm sore from the workouts, but its still a good feeling. 

In the past, I've gotten to about this mark in my weight loss and I fizzle out. I start sliding backwards with the promise of "tomorrow I'll do better". I don't want to be there again. I want to be healthy. I want to continue to lose weight and get myself out of the "obese" category. As vain as it may sound, I want to feel good about myself when I look in the mirror. I want to be able to walk into any store and be able to buy things off the rack. Most of all, I want to be strong and healthy -- mentally AND physically. 

I didn't go to my water classes this morning - I had talked myself out of them. But, after confessing my struggles, I was encouraged to go. So, I was going to go and walk on the treadmill. After dressing and while putting on my shoes, I had a panic/anxiety attack about going to the gym. The thought of going to walk on the treadmill was almost too much for me. But, I fought through it. I have zero excuses not to go -- I grabbed my headphones and phone and decided I would go and walk for an entire episode of Ray Donovan which is almost an hour. I told myself I wasn't allowed to watch another episode unless I went to work out.  And, I did it! I was surrounded by people a lot more active, fit, and trim than I am. I was the only person walking, but I walked a 5k in 60 minutes. I posted this photo on Instagram/Twitter and love the support of my online (and real-life) friends. 

I have to get this under control so I'm going to revisit some of those same goals I wrote in the last post for the next seven days. I'm going to try this in bite-sized pieces: 

1. Log my food and exercise daily 
2. Cardio for 60 minutes, at least six of the next seven days
3. Strength training two days per week
4. Lose two pounds 
5. Continue to find ways to be intentional (2016 word) with my health: mental and physical

And, because sometimes I need the reminder -- this is what I looked like a year ago versus now: 

Any suggestion on keeping on track? What do you do for your emotional and physical health? 

14 Days In

Well, we are 14 days into the new year and I have not even come close to my refocus goal until this week and even still I'm letting my "schedule" get in the way of exercise. Being a single mom and pretty reliant on my exercise classes instead of doing things on my own, I have not made exercise a priority in these last couple of weeks. I find myself making excuses that I did not make in the last year -- I have felt myself slipping back into old habits. Even with food - eating when I'm not hungry; eating garbage foods - and, lots of it. I felt things slipping away and found myself feeling so tired and grouchy. 

After stepping on the scale Monday night, I saw that I've regained eight (8!!!!) pounds in the last month. I nearly cried. Instead, I pulled my hair into my ponytail and went on to my workout. I think that was the kick in my pants I needed to realize how easy it is to slip back to old habits -- I gave that aqua Zumba workout everything I had. Since Monday, I have tracked everything I've eaten in MyFitnessPal and exercised both Monday and Wednesday. I am realizing that I was once again eating to try to cover up feelings - my anxiety had ramped back up. I can't say that is 100% food related but I am curious about the correlation. 

I have found myself feeling guilty about foods and exercise (or, lack thereof) and I am trying to work through those feelings. I don't want to feel guilty about anything - especially food. I find that if I tell myself I "can't" have something it just makes me want it even more. I have gotten this far with just moderation/counting calories and not totally cutting certain foods out. With that comes elimination of a lot of garbage but most days, I ate really well. This week, I'm back on that thought process. 

On Saturday morning, I hope the scales will reflect the refocusing from this week. If not, I will reevaluate and continue to tweak things to find what works. I am trying to remember how far I've come since this time last year but keeping my eye on my ultimate goal of being at a healthy weight. 

January 2015

January 2016

My goals for the next thirty days: 

1. Log my food and exercise daily 
2. Cardio for 60 minutes, at least, five days per week  
3. Strength training two days per week
4. Lose ten pounds 
5. Continue to find ways to be intentional (2016 word) with my health 

Do you have goals for the next month?