My Ramblings and fears...

Please forgive me for the ramblings that are going to follow -- I feel like I just need to do a word dump.

In my lifetime, I've felt defeated more times than I could ever count...but until something changes inside you - whether it be a health scare or you just get tired of being tired, you continue in this vicious cycle of hating your body but not doing anything to change it. I was depressed and tired - I'd go shopping and not be able to wear anything on the racks - even at Lane Bryant most of the time, leave and go eat garbage foods in mass amounts. I would watch shows like the Biggest Loser, Extreme Weightloss and the like and the contestants always have some traumatic issue that happened in their past and I'd sit on the couch and wonder why I was so overweight. Nothing happened that traumatic happened in my childhood - I was a taken care of and not abused or any of the things that seem to frequently come up on these shows. However, I was not taught proper nutrition, the importance of exercise, or what healthy living really means. I'm not sure about your education, but mine - even health classes - did not teach me what healthy living really looked like. If I were really honest, I STILL struggle with what true healthy living looks like. I tend to swing in extremes - I tend to obsess in one way or another. I look at my side-by-side progress pictures and I can see progress. Progress that I am truly proud of.

On the flip side, I also struggle to see any changes because I get caught up in all of my flaws. I still see the very large number of pounds I need to go to get to my goal weight. Most days, I wonder if I don't obsess with going to the gym and logging every single bite of food I put in my body, I will gain all 95 pounds back and if you've ever lost big amounts of weight, you know it won't stop there - you gain back even more. I'm terrified of going back there. 

I am terrified I'm teaching Monster poor eating choices. Monster has packed on some pounds and I'm scared that he's going to develop my bad habits. How do I let him be a kid and eat candy and junk food but also keep him healthy? I am teaching him to read nutrition labels and serving sizes. He sees me going to the gym or working out daily. He actually comes to one/two classes a week with me. But am I doing enough? Can I counter-balance the junk he gets at his grandmother's where I have no control over what he does or eats? When we talk about food or going to the gym - he'll comment about me losing weight, but I try to emphasize that we are doing X,Y,Z to be healthy and losing weight is just a bonus. I try to keep healthy as the motivator for everything we do. I also try not to talk negatively about myself in front of him. I try to find fun things for us to do that aren't structured workouts. I want us both to be active and healthy but, I feel like there is a real fine line in being obsessive and diligent. I want to err on the side of diligent. All sides of his family (biological and not) have weight and health issues - I want to end that cycle with him. 

All of those fears admitted, I feel like after over a year on this journey to living healthy, I've come a long way. The weight loss has been slow and I am still learning every single day but I don't want to give up. Much like during other life events over the last few years, that little boy makes me want to fight harder, learn more and be a better person. Not just for him - but, for me. For us. 

Easter 2015 (L) | Easter 2016 (R) 

If you have tips on teaching children healthy living, I'm all ears.

Thanks for allowing me to ramble...

Lent is over...

It's been a little while since I've written here...I am sure you all were waiting in anticipation for me to update. //sarcasm font 

Lent is over, as of yesterday, and while it wasn't my only reason for giving up simple carbs, sugar, and alcohol for lent - I haven't lost very much weight -- 4.8 pounds to be exact. So, in looking over the last year, trying to see how much I've lost - I've only lost 50 pounds in a year. While I am so very proud of those numbers and I'm proud of that number, I can't help but feel like I should have lost more in the last year. I can't help but wonder what I'm doing wrong. Especially over the last month with cutting out any garbage food. In the last month, I've only missed two days in working out. I've logged more miles - I've pushed myself harder. I can't help but wonder why it's so slow going. I don't feel comfortable giving my actual numbers yet -- but, here's a little visual (I like to see visuals). 

YTD Loss from MyFitnessPal 

I need to do my measurements to see if maybe I'm just not seeing the numbers on the scale. If you can't tell - I am struggling with the numbers. I try to not let them become overwhelming or hung up on them - but if I want this space to be honest. I.AM.STRUGGLING. It has been an average of only about four pounds per month. Any suggestions on what I can do to up my numbers? Am I just crazy??