See ya, 2016!

All in all, I should not complain too much – however, it is my blog and I’ll do what I want. J Kidding – sort of…in true Lisa form, I am likely going to just do a complete word vomit and hit publish without editing it. I tend to try to silence my thoughts if I go back to edit – to hide behind this wall. You've been warned! 

2016? There have been some trials that I’ve had to endure and I cannot say that I came out unscathed. In comparison to others in my world (and beyond), I can still say that I am lucky and blessed to be where I am. I think it is natural to start looking back over the last year and start planning for the new year. Things get put on the back burner and will wait until the new year to do this, that, or the other…two years ago, I decided I really wanted to focus on me and being healthy. Healthy in many aspects but, I felt like my main focus was to lose weight. As if losing weight is this magic formula to happiness. Now, do not get me wrong, I am worlds happier in my body now than I was two years ago. BUT, I cannot attribute that all to losing weight. I CAN, however, attribute it to being healthier.

I don’t think it is any secret that I have really been struggling the last few months. I started experiencing some major discomfort with my tailbone. It hurt to sit, stand, stand-up – the only position it didn’t hurt was lying on my side. That’s not practical so, I started physical therapy after they found that my tailbone shifts and moves more than it should. After a couple of months of therapy and little exercise it seemed to be getting better. I tried to get back into my gym classes and it set me back. So, the physical therapist side-lined me from my gym classes for a while. In the meantime, I finally got some answers about some other health issues and underwent minor surgery in early October to remove/shave down fibroids, a polyp and a few other items. The recovery process for that has been slow and that was a little unexpected. I think I’ve discussed this before but I tend to be an all or nothing kind of gal – if I’m working out, I tend to keep my eating in check. If I’m not, I tend to revert to my old binging habits. I am embarrassed by some of my binging episodes over the last few months. I’d have a couple of really good days sandwiched between a lot of really crappy, unhealthy foods. And you know what? I feel like garbage. I have been battling headaches, bad moods, sore/stiff body (all causes of inflammation), anxiety…and, more. Mentally, I KNOW I feel better when I’m feeding my body good for me things – but, the emotional side tends to win. Or, I claim I’m too busy/don’t feel well and cop out and grab fast food. The thing is – I KNOW I can throw together a decent, healthy, meal in no time. It is all truly that mental game.

I stepped on the scale the other night at the gym. I almost threw my clothes back on and ran straight out of there. Discouraged is not even a strong enough word. Pissed off may come close to some of my feelings…I am mad at myself for gaining back about 20 pounds. Do you know how long it took me to originally lose that 20 pounds?!? A hell of a lot longer than it took me to gain it back. I notice the difference – especially in my clothes (dang things shrunk!) and in my face. I do not want to go back to the weight I was before and to be very honest, I am scared. I can write it off and blame it on being sick/surgery/life gets in the way but for over a year there were very few things that kept me from the gym. Even if my eating was not great, I went. I was working out on average six days a week – most weeks seven – that is 450 minutes of cardio/resistance training. I felt amazing – I didn’t get winded going up and down the steps to the basement.

As I type this, I am battling a sinus/respiratory infection and double ear infection. I have a legit reason to not be in the gym. I do not, however, have a legit excuse to not be feeding my body all the proper foods to help get myself better. In the time that I was doing well, I was sick a lot less. Of course I was – I was giving my body all the proper things for a better immune system.

Knowing all of these things, why do I tend to revert to my slothful ways? I’m trying to figure out what voids I am trying to fill with food. So far, I’ve come up with:

•          Loneliness - I miss companionship and just doing/talking about life with someone;
•          I am stressed;
•          Burned out;
•          Trying to control uncontrollable things;
•          Rejection and the fear of rejection;
•          Feeling of inadequacy;
•          Depression/anxiety;
•          Single parenthood and the complications with “our situation”;
•          Family issues

I’m sure there are plenty more but, when I look at this list I can see some of these items I just flat out cannot control. However, I can control my reaction to a lot of these items. I can make goals or lists of specific items I want to achieve. I sat through a webinar replay from Michael Hyatt this morning on “7 Steps for Taking Control of 2017” and it was refreshing to realize that sometimes we go about making/outlining goals for ourselves in unrealistic ways. I took quite a few notes and I’m going to pray over what God wants me to focus on for 2017.

All the negative aside, I have some pretty exciting and fantastic things going on in my life. I am excited for what the end of 2016 and 2017 will bring. I pray to be open to new things and experiences. Hopeful a few new blog posts are in me outlining my goals – I know y’all are going to be waiting with baited breath. ;)

Until then, make the most of your days.

Blessings, 

Lisa 

Back to the Basics

Today is the second day of getting back into my groove. I went to Aqua Zumba last night and I have successfully logged everything I've eaten over the last two days. I also went back on my anxiety/depression meds - funny how I think I don't need them, go off of them, and promptly go off the the rails.

Tonight, after picking Monster man up, we went to the park near our house. He wanted to hunt Pokémon and I wanted to move my body. We agreed to walk the course three times - almost three miles. By the end of lap two, he was getting tired and started crying. I gave him my headphones and told him to listen to music...that helped for about 100 steps or so. So, I started asking him a bunch of questions about Pokémon. I had him explain what he was doing and why. Please don't ask me to tell you about ot because I can't - I just needed him distracted for the last half of that lap. At the end, he noticed he had exceeded both his step and exercise time goals and his face lit up...he was proud.

I realized tonight that I want to push us both. I want him to see me push further than I think I can go. I want to be a healthy example for him. I want him to not struggle with his weight. I want him to be proud that he went a little further and beat his previous times. I want that for both of us.

I want us to be healthy. And, you know what...2.87 miles may not seem like much for some but I am pretty proud of every one of those steps. When the started this weight loss journey, I could barely make it around the park once.

Onto day three...one day at a time.

Wake up call...

Welp. I feel like I fell off the wagon and it backed up and ran over me a couple of times. I have really been slacking with EVERYTHING. Emotional eating is NO JOKE. I wish it were just as simple as put down the fork and take your butt to the gym. I feel like I am trapped in this cycle of drowning and gasping for air, holding on for dear life. I know how much better I felt eating foods that are healthy/good for me and exercising daily. But, let's face it -- it takes some planning and junk food tastes really good. I hadn't been to the gym but once in about three weeks until last night. I stripped down, put on my swimsuit and got on the scale. O.U.C.H. I knew I had put back on a couple of pounds -- I was not prepared for the numbers that flashed across the screen. I am up at least ten pound. In three weeks. Three weeks. TEN flipping pounds. I can't manage to loose ten pounds in three weeks - but they sure can come on that quickly. 

You'd think after my workout last night, giving it my all during that workout, I'd have cleaned up my food for dinner. I sat in the parking lot of the gym, crying. Instead, I tried to eat everything in sight. This morning, I chose to sleep in instead of going to the gym, I stopped at McDonald's for breakfast after my meeting, I ate a big plate of pasta w/bread, for lunch and a gelato afterwards. Instead of focusing on the 900 things I need to be doing for work, I've sat at my desk, crying...I feel like I am spiraling out of control. Part of me really cares -- the other part wants to stay in my bed and eat ice cream straight out of the carton. 

Not sure why the need to get all of this on "paper" -- maybe it will help me declutter my brain. Maybe I can face the music and get myself back in gear. Does everyone with a significant amount of weight to loose struggle like this from time to time? 

How do I stop pushing the snooze button on this wake up call?? 

Head first...

Please forgive this word vomit...I need to get these things out of my head and off my heart. I’m not even sure I’ll hit the publish button on this…

In the last year, or so, I've dipped my toes back into the dating world. Let me just tell you - if you aren't in this "world" - it is a whole new ballgame than it was almost ten years ago (the last time I was single) Granted, I'm not the same girl I was ten years ago - and, I have a child to consider – but, UGH.

I was never really "good" at dating...I didn't really enjoy it. I felt like it always opened up too much anxiety about rejection. As I've stated before, I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I've had periods of time that I lost a significant amount of weight but, I'd gain it right back. Rinse and repeat several times over since high school - and, probably before. I was always the fat friend...never comfortable in my skin. Fast forward to the last year or so, I was feeling a little more comfortable with who I am - so I subjected myself to some dates and meeting new friends. Well, let me tell you at 38 rejections are no easier and dating can really jerk with your head and your emotions. Putting yourself out there to tell your story and your likes/dislikes is tiresome. It also brings back up a LOT of feelings of inadequacy. I realize this is *my* issue, not someone else and something I need to work on. I know there can be a million reasons why someone may not connect to another person.

In the electronic communication world we live in, it makes it both easier to connected to people and to hide from them. I feel like it opens up the opportunity to say things to someone where before you’d either a.) before not have the avenue to say it and/or b.) the security of hiding behind your keyboard/screen. I love to text – it’s easy, you can send/see messages when you have a chance – easy way to connect throughout the day. So few people actually talk on the phone anymore and so much gets lost through electronic communications.

I’ve had some really interesting dates and communications with some guys. I was dating someone and thought we were on our way to being serious – talks of exclusivity and things had occurred. Then – he just disappeared. No reason or explanation – just gone. Granted, we were only together for a few weeks – but, how do you not have enough respect for someone to at least just say you aren’t interested anymore?

Dating sites are interesting and some of the messages received are – umm, let’s say interesting. I had a couple of dates that the guy had told me some really great things in advance of the dates – I was really excited about them both. Then, I ended up getting the run around and I’d rather be friends after meeting. Now, I have full-length pictures of myself on these sites and do not hide behind strategically placed camera shots. The most recent exchange of messages has really sort of gotten under my skin. I had been talking to this person for a couple of weeks; we agreed to meet on a Saturday my kid wasn’t home – just the normal, dinner/drinks kind of date. He cancelled on me – twice. I understand things happen, but dang. He had sent me some messages that he seemed to be really moody in. Then, when I just told him I was no longer interested – he seemed to be too indecisive. Plus, he worked a wonky schedule and lived about an hour away. He then became really ugly via text messages – but, instead of finding a character flaw of mine – he resorted straight to my body. He called me several variations of fat. Now, I am not in denial that I don’t still have a lot of weight to loose – but, it’s not as if I’m advertising that I am some stick-thin girl. The messages made me cry. Combine that with the rejections – those that I assume are because of my body – I am ready to crawl into my bed and just give up. Everything just seems to be hitting on some issues that I have with myself – I am trying to remember all the things I worked through in therapy. But, it isn’t really helping me feel any better at the moment. The little bit of confidence I had has been rocked and shattered – again. I feel like I have a lot to offer someone in a relationship – lots more than just this body I exist in.

Not sure where I’m going with all of these feelings. Not sure where and how I want to handle dating but for now, much like few other things, I think I may take a break from it all…

Thanks for listening to the ramblings.

Been a while...

I never meant for it to be this long between posts, but if it proves my thoughts to be true - I just sort of want to be an ostrich with its head in the sand about this whole weight loss/healthy living journey -- I've not lost any weight in a couple of months. As a matter of fact, I think I've gained about five. I have still been working out most days, but my eating has been out of control. I can't quite figure out why the binges and terrible choices. A lot of it can be attributed to eating out, stress, not being prepared...I could go on and on with the excuses, but that's all they are - EXCUSES. I go to bed every night lately with all intentions of refocusing the next day - rinse and repeat - it has been going on for a couple of weeks now. 

I hope by writing out my thoughts with this struggle and I can refocus and make a plan to regain control of my eating and shift back to a more healthy approach. 

So, here's my plan: 

• Log every bite - "good" or "bad" into MyFitnessPal app 
• Exercise six days a week 
• Stock my fridge/pantry with healthy choices
• Limit eating "junk" food to one meal per week 
• Limit alcohol consumption 
• Add weight training (would really love to add a trainer to help w/this)
• Meal plan
• Meal prep 
• Eat breakfast 
• Maintain my calorie goal (per MFP app) daily 

Most of these have been what has worked for me over the last year plus and helped me to lose the weight so far. 

In the meantime, I need to remember how far I've come. I still have a long way to go...but, I'll get there -- day by day. If you have any suggestions, feel free to leave me a comment. 

My Ramblings and fears...

Please forgive me for the ramblings that are going to follow -- I feel like I just need to do a word dump.

In my lifetime, I've felt defeated more times than I could ever count...but until something changes inside you - whether it be a health scare or you just get tired of being tired, you continue in this vicious cycle of hating your body but not doing anything to change it. I was depressed and tired - I'd go shopping and not be able to wear anything on the racks - even at Lane Bryant most of the time, leave and go eat garbage foods in mass amounts. I would watch shows like the Biggest Loser, Extreme Weightloss and the like and the contestants always have some traumatic issue that happened in their past and I'd sit on the couch and wonder why I was so overweight. Nothing happened that traumatic happened in my childhood - I was a taken care of and not abused or any of the things that seem to frequently come up on these shows. However, I was not taught proper nutrition, the importance of exercise, or what healthy living really means. I'm not sure about your education, but mine - even health classes - did not teach me what healthy living really looked like. If I were really honest, I STILL struggle with what true healthy living looks like. I tend to swing in extremes - I tend to obsess in one way or another. I look at my side-by-side progress pictures and I can see progress. Progress that I am truly proud of.

On the flip side, I also struggle to see any changes because I get caught up in all of my flaws. I still see the very large number of pounds I need to go to get to my goal weight. Most days, I wonder if I don't obsess with going to the gym and logging every single bite of food I put in my body, I will gain all 95 pounds back and if you've ever lost big amounts of weight, you know it won't stop there - you gain back even more. I'm terrified of going back there. 

I am terrified I'm teaching Monster poor eating choices. Monster has packed on some pounds and I'm scared that he's going to develop my bad habits. How do I let him be a kid and eat candy and junk food but also keep him healthy? I am teaching him to read nutrition labels and serving sizes. He sees me going to the gym or working out daily. He actually comes to one/two classes a week with me. But am I doing enough? Can I counter-balance the junk he gets at his grandmother's where I have no control over what he does or eats? When we talk about food or going to the gym - he'll comment about me losing weight, but I try to emphasize that we are doing X,Y,Z to be healthy and losing weight is just a bonus. I try to keep healthy as the motivator for everything we do. I also try not to talk negatively about myself in front of him. I try to find fun things for us to do that aren't structured workouts. I want us both to be active and healthy but, I feel like there is a real fine line in being obsessive and diligent. I want to err on the side of diligent. All sides of his family (biological and not) have weight and health issues - I want to end that cycle with him. 

All of those fears admitted, I feel like after over a year on this journey to living healthy, I've come a long way. The weight loss has been slow and I am still learning every single day but I don't want to give up. Much like during other life events over the last few years, that little boy makes me want to fight harder, learn more and be a better person. Not just for him - but, for me. For us. 

Easter 2015 (L) | Easter 2016 (R) 

If you have tips on teaching children healthy living, I'm all ears.

Thanks for allowing me to ramble...

Lent is over...

It's been a little while since I've written here...I am sure you all were waiting in anticipation for me to update. //sarcasm font 

Lent is over, as of yesterday, and while it wasn't my only reason for giving up simple carbs, sugar, and alcohol for lent - I haven't lost very much weight -- 4.8 pounds to be exact. So, in looking over the last year, trying to see how much I've lost - I've only lost 50 pounds in a year. While I am so very proud of those numbers and I'm proud of that number, I can't help but feel like I should have lost more in the last year. I can't help but wonder what I'm doing wrong. Especially over the last month with cutting out any garbage food. In the last month, I've only missed two days in working out. I've logged more miles - I've pushed myself harder. I can't help but wonder why it's so slow going. I don't feel comfortable giving my actual numbers yet -- but, here's a little visual (I like to see visuals). 

YTD Loss from MyFitnessPal 

I need to do my measurements to see if maybe I'm just not seeing the numbers on the scale. If you can't tell - I am struggling with the numbers. I try to not let them become overwhelming or hung up on them - but if I want this space to be honest. I.AM.STRUGGLING. It has been an average of only about four pounds per month. Any suggestions on what I can do to up my numbers? Am I just crazy??